This blog is a guest post by Rose (Triantafillia Memisaki). I normally write all the content for my blog myself but I stumbled across one of her youtube videos the other day and her advice was so good that I asked her to post up one of her articles on how to get over an ex.
I’m sure everyone who’s been through a break-up will agree that they are difficult to deal with. When it happens to us, we immediately break out the questions. Why did it end? Why does it hurt so much? The list goes on and on… Ultimately, we just want to know what to do, so we can move on. We bug friends and family, flip through books and comb the internet… all in the hope that we’ll stumble upon a detailed step-by-step list that will tell us exactly what to do and how to do it.
Sometimes we find people who promise us a miracle formula that will magically make everything better… only to be immensely disappointed. Phrases like “you’ll get over it” or “it’s not as bad as you think” never help the way they’re intended to. All they are are empty promises that life goes on, that we will find other people to love. But we don’t want cliché guidance. We want a surefire, quick and easy way to get rid of this agony and feel whole again.
Well, I don’t know about quick and easy, but I’m convinced I’ve found a guaranteed way to accomplish this lofty goal. All you need to do is recognize the feelings that are the cause of all this pain and use the tips below to understand and combat each one. Once you realize what’s really keeping you from moving on, you’ll be surprised at how quickly you’ll be liberated. I challenge you to read on…
1. Feelings of denial
We try to convince ourselves that our ex might return to us.
Explanation: If our pet dies, do we pretend it’s still alive and wait for it to come back to us? Of course not. We accept that it died, bury it and move on. The reason we can’t accept the death of a relationship in the same way is because we didn’t notice the signs, so the end came as a shock to us. And we didn’t notice the signs because we didn’t communicate with each other the moment something was wrong. No matter what the reason for your break up, one thing’s for sure: at least one of the two parties wasn’t happy with the way things were going. When you figure out what that reason was you might try to fix the problem, thinking that will make them come back. But the fact of the matter remains that you didn’t do it in time and the relationship died. There’s nothing left to repair.
Instructions: Accept the fact that you weren’t making each other happy (and that you weren’t communicating well) and see the break up for what it truly is; a chance for both of you to find true happiness with someone better suited for you.
2. Feelings of guilt, failure and inadequacy
When someone breaks up with you the first thing that comes to mind is that you did something wrong or that you weren’t good enough. You can’t help but feel that it failed because you are just not cut out for relationships.
Explanation: The end of a relationship is generally considered something negative and we tend to label it a ‘failure’. Sometimes we go so far as to believe that we are failures, by association. But the only failure here is that we fail to see how it can help us better ourselves. We made some mistakes and bad judgment calls, but both of these are something we can learn from, when we acknowledge them.
Instructions: Look back on all the experiences you shared with your ex (good AND bad), and note the things you learnt from them. Notice how you learnt more from the bad experiences than the good. Through this break up, you gained something substantial in either learning about yourself or about something you can do to better your future partnerships. Be grateful for that.
3. Feelings of “lovelessness”
We are terrified that no one will ever love us again.
Explanation: It hurts when a loving relationship comes to an end because we depended on that person as our sole source of love. Our entire sense of self-worth was directly connected to how much our partner loved us. Now that they’re gone we feel like there is no one left to give us that love. But when we depend on other people to make us happy it’s a lose-lose formula, because it relies on circumstances beyond our control. By learning to accept, appreciate and ultimately love ourselves, we make sure we will be happy whether we’re social, friendless, single, or involved with someone. Not only do we regain control of our lives, but it also makes us more attractive to the outside world, and thus more likely to find a new partner.
Instructions: See yourself for who you really are and do what makes you happy. Being in a relationship may have led you to forget the activities you used to enjoy. Get back in touch with your inner self and indulge like you’ve never indulged before! This time, respect yourself enough to NOT let anyone come between you and the things you love to do.
4. Feelings of having lost something unique and irreplaceable
We think there is no one else out there as decent or as amazing as our ex.
Explanation: Come on, people! Do I really need to explain this one? Don’t be immature and lazy. There are 7 billion people in this world. At least one billion of them are the right age to date you. No excuses about how most of them live too far away or speak a different language. More people than you think are very proper, loving individuals who are looking for someone just like you… and they might live right around the corner.
Instructions: Get yourself out there and be proactive about meeting new people. Stay focused and don’t lose sight of what you are really looking for in a partner. Don’t just go for the first decent-looking person who winks at you. Use what you learnt from the previous relationship and make sure you get it right this time.
I can’t claim to have all the answers, but as a person who has been on the receiving end of several heart-shattering break-ups, I can safely say that I know how you feel. So for those of you who are still not satisfied and want that step-by-step instruction manual I mentioned earlier, I’m happy to present it to you. I have compiled a comprehensive list of directions that have been proven to work every time, in every situation, for every person. They’ve helped hundreds of people so far, so what’s to say they won’t work for you? Go ahead. Take a look. It’s free. What do you have to lose…other than that painful knot in your stomach?
If this article helped you, you can get more advice from Rose by checking out her popular youtube videos on how to get over your ex.
Link to How to Get Over Your Ex – Part 1:
Link to How to Get Over Your Ex – Part 2: